For the fun of it

My husband is a very talented musician. He often plays with a group at a local coffee house and he goes to jam sessions locally. this gives him a great deal of pleasure. He practices various instruments every night. Once in a while he plays in public with his case out for tips. Here in San Francisco, the tips are not as good as they are when he did this in NYC. As a result he usually comes home a little grumpy.

This reminded me of how my attitude toward my work changed as i sought approval in the form of purchases. Right after my chemo for AML six years ago i started working on my art every chance i got. i made tons of art and had an open studio or two. I was hit hard by the infrequent sales. I continued to show and found more and more opportunities for my art to be displayed in public places. But, except for the show at the Juvi Hall of Detention, I had stopped doing it for the fun of sharing my work. I was measuring my worth through my low sales!

When i was diagnosed with a new cancer last year i realized that the pursuit of money had taken all the fun out of my art. I started down that road by wanting to offset the cost of materials. At one point i allowed myself to feel good if the sales balanced cost of the site for a street fair. After the cancer diagnosis i could see the damage but not the root of the problem.

I realized that my initial idea after the AML had been to communicate my love for the natural world and the ideas that came to me while experiencing it. And i saw that i had gotten terribly stressed out trying to get positive feedback in a commercial way. I would even discount a complement because the person didn't actually buy something.

So my husband's attitude toward his music playing help clarify this for me. When he jammed with like minded folks he had a great time and felt satisfied by the experience of sharing and interacting with others. I've always gotten alot out of the process of taking and making photos but the sharing and interacting has not been as fun as it should be because i've not found the open and generous heart that my husband has when he jams. Instead I've got my case open, looking for tips and coming home grumpy!

I hope that as i start getting back out there that i can remember the purpose of hanging my art for others to see is to share, and to effect others with my vision. I turn to the feelings of generously and compassion, reaching out to give to the kids detained at Juvi Hall when i did my one woman show there last year. It was an incredible experience to choose the most colorful images i had of San Francisco plants and so on and call it The Colors of San Francisco for these kids who had lost touch with loving the world around them. The feed back was nothing but positive and i never expected a sale. the best show of the year.

That's where i need to remember to be: out there with an open heart!